The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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