a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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