i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
