I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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