No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Randomize
