this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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