Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
