can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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