1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
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