I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Are we still banned from the library?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
