I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
