it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
