sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
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