Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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