Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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