the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
