Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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