My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
