Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
