I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
