PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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