so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
