weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
