I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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