Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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