I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
