is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize