I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
