Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I hope mine doesn't look like that
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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