I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
