Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
