Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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