I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
