i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
It was confusing and full of hummus
this boner is exhausting
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
