and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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