I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
