The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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