If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize