I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
