why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
