I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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