My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
