he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
