I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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