Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize