I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Randomize
