I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
