You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
