ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
