I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
