My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
