I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
