Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
