got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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