Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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