we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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