I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
