My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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