Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize